Thursday, 1 December 2016

The Best & Worst of Koffee With Karan S05S04: Ranbir Kapoor & Ranveer Singh


As always, you can catch the previous B&W of KWK here, ft. "fallaley".

Best: Ranbir & Ranveer Know KWK Better Than KWK Knows KWK

Thanks for bringing back the real and only intro Koffee With Karan should ever have, albeit for just five seconds.

#BringBackIAmBack #NeverGiveUp

Worst: The Best Of Bollywood

Let's forget for a moment that this is Karan Johar's (and my) guilty weekend pleasure.

If I had two of Bollywood's current biggest stars, who are also viewed as exemplary mascots for a nation enamoured with Bollywood celebrities, would I spend 100% of all my talking segments on a) relationships b) hook-ups c) Japanese pornography (??) or d) all of the above?

But then, this is Koffee With Karan and not Rasgulla With Rajeev Masand. I'm clearly stupid for wanting anything more from a show that has sustained from needling celebs about their love lives and hoping they let slip some juicy fodder for the tabloids. This show is the Rakhi Sawant of female Bollywood actors, and I'm sitting here obstinately demanding her participation in a presidential debate ("Hilary ne chitting ki hai...").

So, let us just sit back, relax and enjoy this visual:


Best: The Yin To His Yang

This episode was a wonderfully unintentional piece of sublime art for anyone even slightly interested in the current affairs of this industry. We had the two modern-day leading men of the industry, and they were anything but similar. Like Batman and Bane. Messi and Ronaldo. Kohli and AB De Villiers. Two strikingly dissimilar portraits of the Bollywood continuum.

In one corner we had Ranveer Singh, a man who adopted this darkness. Apart from a distant connection to Anil Kapoor, he has by and large clawed his way through the unrelenting brambles into the coagulated jungle of this industry. His first film was sleeper hit, despite zero hype or expectations. He has none of the recommended poise that should accompany stardom and copious amounts of noise that is publicly frowned upon. He adorns skirts at award shows and dances to Main Aisa Kyun Hoon in the middle of a street, while cosplaying Krish. He has made it here because of deep, overwhelming love for the industry. Not many can remember inconsequential songs from Biwi No. 1 or Baba's greatest undercover double meaning songs in their most tragic moments. His acting assets rely on excessive dramatism, over-the-top expressions and high-octane movements. He knows how a 'senior actor' is presumed to carry himself, says balls to that and just exudes supreme joy every second at having made it from serving coffee at Starbucks to serenading Deepika Padukone. Just a man happy to be where he is, prancing around 24/7 high on cocaine life.

In the other corner, we have Ranbir Kapoor. He was born in this darkness and unabashedly moulded by it. He belongs to the Kapoor clan, the richest and most opulent lineage in the annals of Bollywood history. He started working in films since 10th grade. He was primed to be the next big thing, yet failed to make an impression despite getting an overhyped launch by Sanjay Leela Bhansali. He shies away from the limelight because he wants to adhere to the conventional enigmatic image of celebrities. His characters are all inherently profound, and his preferred acting style is to convey truckloads of emotions in the little nuances and subtle variations. He has never had to dive into the industry, because he's been submerged since he was born. At times he seems tired of it, looking to break free for a gasp of air. He, unlike Ranveer, hasn't seen any other life to compare it to and he's aware of it. He has taken that existential crisis and injected it into his acting. One of the finest actors Bollywood has ever produced, yet somehow he remains frustratingly aloof of his purpose, destiny and at times, unsatisfied with his privileged position.

There they were, kissing Arjun Kapoor on the same couch, having undergone two contrasting odysseys in their journey to the top, viewing each other as competition. The long-standing menage a trois of the Khans is finally disintegrating, and we're about to kickstart a new era of Bollywood. These two might well be the harbingers of global acclaim, but Ranveer would definitely need to pucker up his acting slightly and his film choices majorly, because I definitely don't want to put Befikre on the world map as Bollywood's contribution.

But then, none of this was explicitly mentioned or even implicitly pointed towards. It's Koffee With Karan after all, so this is what we ended up doing:


And this:


One final nail in the coffin of comparisons would be Ranveer's expressions when Ranbir didn't know the "Tumne chitting ki hai" reference or Sanjay Dutt's classic sexual innuendo extravaganza. When you love Bollywood, and when you are Bollywood...

Best: The Ghost of Koffee With Karan Past



Give me any opportunity to unload the Ranveer-Arjun Season 3 nostalgia, and thou shalt receive nostalgia. Instant, easy Best for this and a colossal Worst to Arjun for sheepishly choosing Ranbir over his baba, further confirming the 'I'm living in a cave theory' from last week.

Now eagerly waiting for Bhai's first theory lecture for Driving 101.

Best: The Gift Of Bachelor Ranbir Kapoor

There's nothing wrong with Ranveer's humour, and it's endearing to a certain major sect of the population. I'm constantly flitting between 'sahi hai boss' and 'chal show mat maar', but I would rather have him than another poised samaritan. Having said that, Ranveer fell slightly short to Ranbir this time, who was simply hot fire. So many Buzzfeed-worthy one-liners ("My conscious is very clear because I've never used it.") that I almost made this into a 17 Things About Ranbir That Make Us Go Awww Koochie Koochie listicle.


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Additional GIF because 2016 is ending:

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